Whether you’re an aspiring dominatrix or a subby bottom, you might be feeling a little nervous about trying a strap-on dildo for the first time.
If you know your partner is already into it, half of the work is done. Now it’s time to figure out if this kink is for you and boost your confidence to strap it on.
Is the Strap-On For You?
Whenever anyone asks me what they should do when they aren’t interested in doing something that a partner wants to do, I start with the same question: what about this is a turn-off for you?
The reason I begin there is that I don’t think there’s a one-size-fits-all answer. For some people, trying the new thing, like introducing toys into your relationship, is the way to go. Maybe you discover you like it. Maybe you decide that it’s not your thing, but it’s not a big deal and you can get to something you like later. Maybe you discover that you enjoy how it makes your partner feel, even if it’s not your cup of tea. And the only way to find out is to give it a try.
On the other hand, there are also plenty of good reasons to not go there. Maybe it’s triggering. Maybe you have a quick reaction. Maybe it’s something you just don’t want to do. And I don’t want to ever tell someone they have to do anything sexual that they don’t want to.
That’s why I start with that question. What’s going on for you that strap-ons are a turn-off for you? Is it that you aren’t into anal play? Is it that you think that men receiving anal penetration aren’t masculine? Is it that you think it looks silly? Are you afraid of hurting him or not knowing what to do? Your decision about what to do might change when you look at your reasons.
Understanding Why Your Partner is Into Strap-Ons
It’s also worth asking them what turns them on about it. Some partners enjoy strap-ons simply because of the physical sensations. Some enjoy it as an act of power play, similar to BDSM, and they like feeling sexually submissive. (Note: being penetrated doesn’t have to be an act of submission.) Some people like playing with gender roles and exploring them.
You might find some of these reasons a turn-off, but unless you know that your partner is coming from those motivations, there’s no reason to let that get in the way. For example, if they just like it for the way it feels and you get turned off by the idea of them being submissive, there’s no problem because that isn’t part of the game for them.
My favorite way to unpack that is to ask, ”what is it about this that turns you on?” Have that conversation in a non-sexual setting, not as part of flirting or sexy talk. It’s a genuine question and arousal puts us in an altered state of consciousness, so you might not get the info you need.
How to Use a Strap-On Dildo
If you do decide to give strap-ons a try, it’ll be a lot more fun if you know what you’re doing. My book, The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure, has everything you need to make it easy to explore the male G-spot, including a whole chapter on strap-ons. The book’s website also has plenty to get you started. The more you know, the more ways you can have fun!
As far as which toys and strap-ons to opt for, we recommend a smaller sized toy with a flared base to fit into a strap-on dildo harness, and of course high-grade, skin-safe materials so you can focus on exploring new pathways of pleasure.
When experimenting in the bedroom, the key is always confidence. Try to get out of your head and keep an open mind. Whether you decide it’s not for you or you grow to really enjoy strap-ons for any number of reasons, it’s an invitation to a deeper level of intimacy with your partner and with yourself.
